The First Time…
I recently had the honor of teaching several Workplace Wellness events and one of the themes that has lingered for me, voiced by many—was the intention or desire to listen to their bodies and minds, and respond with care.
At the end of the day, when asked to share what it was they could do to help their own body-mind-heart (health) moving forward, there was equal votes for moving their bodies in healthy ways during the day, and the desire to allow themselves the time and space to feel whatever it is they are feeling. Some said, they are really good at allowing others to share hard feelings, but when it comes to themselves it is almost impossible to offer the same.
The first internal response I had was, “YES,” they got it—wellness starts with you, and includes your emotional self! My second response was, “yeah, me too.”
Time and time again (which is why I LOVE teaching so much) when I can find my own human-ness through authentic sharing with others, I find deep connection and feel the heart warming shift from “me” to “we.” This is the best medicine I have ever known.
In the spirit of the shared human experience, here’s my share…
I am in the first year of having lost my mom, and the grief storms have been steadily rolling in and out. I am also often unwilling to allow for myself the sitting with the empty space of no more mom.
Recently the grief wave hits hardest when I notice this is the first time, in any given moment, without her in my life. The “first time” I ordered a cinnamon roll and coffee at our favorite bakery and wasn’t sharing it with her, the first time I went on vacation and didn’t call her the minute I arrived safely, the first Christmas without her smiling from the kitchen, making her traditional Norwegian lefse and fudge.
The “first times” are endless and the other day I painfully stumbled into the first spring moment when the buttercups were popping on my hillside and she wasn’t there to celebrate their arrival—like we have done my entire life.
What I’ve noticed about this “first time” experience is this. It not only hits the grief and loss spot, which is always shifting on a scale of excruciatingly painful to peacefully nostalgic, but just beneath the surface is fear. This “first time” is about change and newness and noticing when we have never been somewhere before. Feeling like we have irrevocably changed and now unsure of who we are now.
My old friend fear, always sneaking around, messing with what I think is real, or right, or on my tried and true list.
So for me, and for the workplace wellness participants, the exact emotions that we are dancing with is unique, but the point is that we universally struggle to ALLOW ourselves the time and space to lay it out, to open the gate, and let it come. Especially true for those of us who are the helpers, the mothers, the teachers, the counselors (formal or informal).
Maybe spring isn’t the only cold, wet unpredictable entity or experience that is here before us. Maybe we can meet spring and say, “hey, me too” and meet our wild and messy feeling selves in the same way we prepare for a hike in the foothills of NCW in April. Hot sun, rain, mud, hail, wind—ready for it all!
Quick List of my Favorite Ways to Express the Mess: (FYI calling the emotional landscape a mess isn’t a judgment, just my way of saying this is how it feels when it’s on the inside, not getting heard or held)
Dance
Run….(ok I don’t run anymore, but hike straight up a big hill)
Yell, moan, shout, cry
Write as if the feelings could only be placated by saying exactly what their experience is, again and again.
Call a friend and say, “please just listen.”
Sit next to a tree and feel it’s support
Look out across a vast landscape and allow my perspective to shift.
Couch, blankets, cat, tea, & me.
If you’d like to come into silence for a Mindfulness Retreat day and see how that feels, please do join us! Check out the details below.
Be well and May all the season has to offer knock gently at your door~
Kari